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ThousandEyes Trek: The Motion Picture

Cisco Employee
Cisco Employee

This content is also published as a blog here.

WARNING: Suffer through the 1979 Star Trek: The Motion Picture, the worst Star Trek movie ever made to make sense of what follows.

Kirk: “Captain’s log, star date 2. There’s a really big thing out there headed for earth, and it’s causing Interstellar Internet communications problems. I’ve been asked to surrender my status as Admiral to captain the Enterprise, replacing Captain Decker, who will be acting Commander. I’ve arranged for Dr. McCoy to join us, as well as the Deltan woman Ilea.”

[Kirk enters the bridge]

Crew: “Admiral Kirk!”

Kirk: “It’s good to see you all. I see nobody but me has been promoted.”

Dr. McCoy (a.k.a. Bones): “Permission to come aboard?”

Kirk: “Granted. I’m glad we were able to override your section 8 discharge.”

Bones: “I was drafted.”

Kirk: “We need you, Bones. There’s a thing out there headed for earth.”

[long pause]

Kirk: “Aren’t you going to argue about my use of the word ‘thing’?”

Bones: “I’m a doctor, not an etymologist.”

[The Deltan woman with a shaved head, Ilia, beams aboard]

Crew: “Welcome aboard, Ilia.”

Ilia: “Thank you. Hands off, Kirk. My oath of being single but not ready to mingle is on record.”

Kirk to Crew: “Oookay. Anyway, we’ve been notified of a Klingon space station in trouble.”

[Crew assembles in large conference room to watch the video. On screen are two Klingons panicking]

Klingon 1: “Grishoch. Ha, hananna ha.”

Klingon 2: “Nanoo nanoo.”

Red Shirt 1: “What are they saying?”

Red Shirt 2: “Shhh… just read the subtitles.”

[video suffers from interference as the Klingons are surrounded by a gooey substance]

Uhura: “Captain, the communications from that station have stopped.”

Kirk: “Sulu, fire up ThousandEyes to find the location of the communications bottleneck.”

Sulu: “It appears that the block is between Romulus and Remus.”

Kirk: “Sulu, set course for Romulus, Warp 10.”

Sulu: “Aye, sir.”

[Enterprise arrives near the “thing”]

[Crew gasps in awe]

Uhura: “It’s enormous.”

Chekov: “We’ve never encountered anything like this before.”

[Crew continues to gasp]

Kirk: “Put it on visual, Chekov.”

[Crew gasps louder]

Kirk: “Spock, analysis?”

Spock: “Sugar, dextrose, gum base…”

Scotty: “What are those huge indentations on the side?”

Uhura: “They look like teeth marks… Captain, now I’m getting a Federation message that all the wads of chewing gum under school desks and theater seats have disappeared.”

Kirk: “Spock?”

Spock: “What appears to be a cloud is actually an enormous wad of ABC gum headed for earth.”

Kirk: “Could this be related to the missing gum wads?”

Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”

Kirk: “How could gum interfere with communications?”

Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”

Kirk: “Is it Thursday, Mr. Spock?”

Spock: “Unknown, Captain.”

Kirk: "What good are you, anyway?”

Spock: "Unknown, Captain.”

Ilia: “Box office attraction.”

Spock: "Zip it, baldy.”

[Suddenly lightning strikes Ilia. She disappears. When she reappears, she’s been turned into a robot with perfectly logical skimpy clothes and stiletto heels]

Ilia: “I am speaking for Rout-Er, sent to communicate with carbon units. I am looking for Creator Cisco.”

Spock: “It appears that an ancient spacecraft has mysteriously evolved into a Cisco router, and it is protected by a massive wad of already been chewed gum.”

Kirk: “We can’t get at the router with all the gum in the way.”

Spock: “I suggest connecting the Enterprise exhaust pipes to the bubblegum. We can blow a huge bubble until it pops.”

Kirk: “Decker, I want you and Ilea to connect the pipes.”

Decker, Ilea: “Why us?”

Kirk: “It’s dangerous and you aren’t regulars from the TV series.”

[Decker and Ilea enter a shuttle craft]

Scotty: [panicking] “Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 seconds and the warp drives will melt down for sure!”

Kirk: “Scotty, we haven’t started yet.”

Scotty: “Sorry, I just haven’t had a line for so long…”

Kirk: “Fine, Mr. Scott, it’s time to apply power now.”

[sound of engines roaring]

Scotty: “Captain, she canna take…”

Kirk: [interrupts] “More power, Mr. Scott.”

Spock: “It’s the ultimate bubble.”

[sound of explosion]

Kirk: “Spock, now that we have clear access, use Meraki and Python to connect to Rout-Er and reprogram it to work properly.”

Spock: “Done. We have saved the Interstellar Internet.”

[later, crew is calm on the bridge with Kirk in the captain’s chair, determined not to return to star dock yet]

Sulu: “Course, sir?”

Kirk: [emotional and nostalgic] “Out… there…”

Sulu: “Where, sir?”

Kirk: "That-a-way.”

Sulu: “Where, sir?”

Kirk: “Over yonder.”

Sulu: “Where, sir?”

Kirk: “Oh, just hang a left.”


[Star Trek music swells and credits roll]



Admiral/Captain Kirk:          Slim Shady

Mr. Spock:                          The Green Goblin

Captain/Cmdr Decker:        Troy Donahue

Ilea:                                    Telly Savalas

Dr. McCoy/Bones:               Rod Steiger

Scotty:                                Mike Meyers

Sulu:                                   Mr. Miyagi

Chekov:                              Vladimir Putin

Uhura:                                Whoopi Goldberg

Klingon #1:                         John Fetterman

Klingon #2:                         Mitch McConnell

Red Shirt #1:                      Andrew Lopatin

Red Shirt #2:                      DeLynn Kelly


Writers:                               [names withheld; writers pled the 5th]

Producer:                            Vlad the Impaler

Special Effects:                   Crayola

Music:                                 Performed by Tinky the Cockatiel

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